Chapter Fifteen______________________________________________________

Evenstar Lucifer

I sometimes wonder if Raphael knows just how beautiful he is.  He doesn’t act like he does…or maybe it’s just something natural about him.  Like he does know he’s beautiful, but he doesn’t care.  Or doesn’t think it’s important.  Maybe it isn’t.

To him.

But…it makes me want to spend as much time around him as possible.  Like a plant wants to spend time around the sun.  And without the sun—or what passes for it here in heaven; there doesn’t seem to be any true ‘night’ here—the plants would cease to grow, or freeze.

And when I’m talking to him—about any subject I can dredge up—I sometimes wonder if he knows I feel this way about him.  He does seem a little cautious, and he’s always polite, and always formal, but that’s probably just his personality.  After all, he’s like that to everybody.  Even Satan, who has a tendency to say without thinking.  Sometimes it’s funny to watch him when he does that.  But he’s gotten much better about it.

And Raphael, gorgeous Raphael with his wings of blue and green and gold, and his hair of mahogany and eyes of the azure noon, Raphael the healer who saved my life and Belz’s…for him alone would I leave my brothers and stay in Heaven.

He likes me, too, I think.  But I want to know…so I’m going to tell him my feelings today when we speak in the gardens around Gabriel’s house.  But not right away…I need to lead into it; that way it won’t be sudden.

My feelings pour out in a barely coherent tumble when I can no longer hold back the flood.  And there is shock on my dear one’s face.  And he…apologizes?  I’m sorry, Evenstar…I…well, I don’t really feel that way about anyone, he says running a hand through his hair in embarrassment.  And even if I did feel the way you do, there would still be many problems.  You see, the Creator has forbidden angels to mate or wed anyone except other angels, for one…

But—!  I protest, but it abruptly occurs to me.  Lucifer was an angel, so I am too, I say.

He hangs his head.  No, you’re not.  Not by training, not by culture.  You and your brothers have some of the magical abilities of the angels, but you are not yourselves angels.  For this, some would wish you dead.  That’s why Gabriel took you in…he kept you safe from them by doing so, for he is of such high standing that they will not dare to go against his will unless the Creator Himself should demand it.  I can’t, Evenstar.

So then what would make me an angel?  I’ll do anything!

Don’t say that!  he snaps, and I can almost smell the sharp tang of his fear outside the mindscape.  Do you know what people would do with that knowledge?  No, don’t answer… he waves me into silence, and he gets up and paces.  In answer to your question, the Creator has to accept you as an angel.  And that’s just the beginning.  Then your memory will be erased and what passes for your soul will be reborn into the egg of an angel during mating season.  If you hatch—and you may very well not—you will be an angel by birth.  But you won’t be Evenstar Lucifer anymore.  That person, that you, will be dead.

I can’t believe my ears.

But that’s beside the point, because to be blunt, Evenstar…I don’t love you.  I don’t love anyone.  I’m sorry.

I feel the hot trails of tears running down my cheeks, but I stay where I am for a few moments longer, just shaking in silence.  All alone.  Except for my brothers.  And not even they understand.

Evenstar… I feel Raphael reaching out to me, but it doesn’t matter.  He doesn’t want me.  I get up and run away from him, tears blinding me.  The only thing I want right now is Abaddon.  He comes the closest to understanding me…he knows what I went through!

I almost knock him over when I blunder into him.  I can feel his surprise, but he doesn’t say a word; he just calmly pets me, hugs me, hides me in his leathery wings.  I curl up on his lap and silently cry into his shoulder.  And he rocks me.  The way he did in the mindscape before I decided I liked my punishment.